The Drama Free Divorce

There's no escaping the realities of divorce if you, like 50% of the married population in the US, choose to end your marriage. The typical American divorce is costly emotionally and financially, and it sometimes leaves a trail of trauma in the lives of both adults and children.

First and foremost, you must do your research and be realistic. A quick and easy divorce is not typical – particularly if there are children involved. Like all journeys, it requires intentionality and planning. You'll likely need to hire professionals – legal, financial and therapeutic, to help you navigate the unknowns. The best divorces use the following guidelines as a compass.

1. Set Clear Intentions for a Respectful Divorce Process

Set the intention with your spouse to have a divorce that isn't hostile. Agreeing to be honest with each other, as well as respectful and kind throughout the process will serve you very well. I like to encourage my clients to think of a three-legged stool, where each leg represents one of these three things: transparency, respect and kindness. If one of those legs gets kicked out from under it, then the stool falls over – and the divorce process stalls, which usually causes frustrations, financial and emotional suffering for all parties.

2. Release Blame and Accept Different Perspectives

Stop blaming others (especially your spouse) for your emotions and your reactivity. Know that your partner likely has a very different perspective on why the marriage has failed, and whose fault it is. Most states take the position of no-fault on divorce, so as far as the law is concerned, it really doesn't matter why the marriage is ending. No blame will likely be recorded, and whatever bad behavior or betrayals have occurred, it won't likely result in a better settlement for either party.

3. Develop Effective Communication Skills During Divorce

Learn to communicate effectively. Work with a relational coach or a therapist to develop some new skills, including reflective listening. It could be that the inability to listen well during your marriage cost you this relationship. Don't let your lack of communication and conflict management skills get in the way of divorcing well. Set the tone by agreeing with your spouse to refrain from interrupting, talking over each other, name calling, and raising voices. If possible, schedule brief, but regular meetings to keep each other informed.

4. Choose Mediation Over Litigation to Protect Your Assets

Keep the money in the marital assets column by prioritizing collaboration and mediation over litigation. Consult with a neutral third party to help facilitate discussions that are productive. Work together to resolve custody issues as well as asset and debt distribution. If the two of you refuse to consider the other's wishes during the dissolution process, then you'll certainly end up paying dearly for the attorneys and/or for the court to settle your disputes. You'll also prolong the pain by months and maybe even years if you dig your heels in, refusing to cooperate with each other.

5. Prioritize Your Children's Well-Being Throughout the Process

Put the kids first. The most important job that parents have when they choose to create a family is to provide safe and secure attachment for the children throughout their many stages of development. Your kids are watching. They've had a front row seat in the arena of your failing marriage. Make custody and financial arrangements that prioritize the best scenario for the kids – not for you individually. Children do best when the settlement and parenting plans are both fair and equitable. Work with a therapist or relational coach on how to co-parent well. Do not speak ill of your spouse or make a scene in front of the kids. Keep the children out of ALL discussions about ALL things that are beyond the scope of their chronological age. Do NOT parentify them. Let them be children and keep their routines as intact and stable as possible. Children need and want both parents in their lives.

6. Practice Self-Care and Build Your Support System

Take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Stick to a routine that incorporates health and wellness along with some basic self-care. Divorce can feel like an un-ending state of limbo as you're usually not in control of when things get resolved and settled. Most divorces take over a year to become finalized, depending on the complexity of finances. It can also feel very lonely and isolating. Find community. Join a support group. Get a therapist. Your lawyer is likely not the ideal person to process your emotional turmoil with – and they'll charge you their hourly rate for all your rants. Let them do the job you hired them to do, while taking personal responsibility for processing your emotions in a healthy way. If you choose to burden friends and family with the details of your divorce, you will likely find yourself with less friends and fewer family members that are willing to listen endlessly to your complaints. Triangulation only makes things worse. And for goodness sakes, do not burden your children with your anger or your tears. Doing so will likely result in significantly damaging your future relationship with them. Be a grown up, responsible parent.

7. Focus on Your Future and Create a New Chapter

Keep the future in focus. You WILL get past the divorce, and you WILL create a new normal for yourself. Get clear about what your financial future will look like and be realistic about asset reallocation. There's no winner in divorce. Both parties generally suffer in various ways. Be sure to clearly document all agreements made to avoid future disputes. Once the ink is dry on the divorce decree, you'll need to be prepared to hit the reset button on your life. Give yourself time to grieve the demise of your marriage and the loss of the dream that you held for your married life. During this time, try to set some new goals for yourself. It takes time, but you will figure out a way to move forward and to create a new chapter in your life.