Ripped photograph showing separated couple in dramatic shadows

Why do I always end up in lousy relationships?

Katey Villalon, LMFT, IRT

January 11, 2022

relationship patterns

self-worth

Why do I always end up in lousy relationships?

When I’m asked this question, I sometimes respond with a question of my own: What has informed you that you are not worthy of something better? In working with clients that have found themselves in unsustainable romantic relationships, I often find that at some point during their key developmental years, they were informed that they didn’t deserve consistent and unconditional love. I’ve found it to be true that there is usually something in a person’s past important relationships that informs their current and future partnerships. When I help a client to look at the trajectory of the relationships that they haven’t been happy in, they are able to see the correlation between then and now. They’re able to explore the meaning that they’ve made of the messages they’ve received about relationships and about being worthy of love.

Isn’t it possible that some people are just unlucky in love?

It’s possible to be unlucky at love, but it’s more likely that luck isn’t the only factor, and there is some component of hard work and expertise that contributes to relational success. Most people don’t grow up in families where emotional intelligence and relational skills are actively taught. There’s typically a lot of assumptions made in families of origins, along with unspoken rules and specific roles that each family member takes on. These experiences tend to stick with us as we navigate young adulthood and find ourselves intertwined with another person. That’s when things get complicated because the person that we connect with brings their own set of assumptions about relationships, along with their own understanding of unspoken rules and roles. It can get messy quickly, or the trouble can take years to fester before you realize that the unhappy relationship that you’re in is likely going to end, luck or no luck.

Putting an end to relationship ruin

Putting an end to a pattern of relationships in ruin takes time and effort. It requires thoughtful introspection. This usually leads to deep conversation about the messages received, during earlier stages in life, that have not been helpful in developing a solid relational skill set. It’s never too late to acquire new skills that can change your life. Getting to know yourself more fully and embracing the idea that you are indeed worthy of love is a good place to start. It takes time and practice for this new message to take hold. Learning about healthy relational dynamics, while setting new boundaries and goals for yourself, can lead you to a happier experience of love in the future.

To move in the direction of a healthy romantic partnership, that is worthy of YOU, it’s necessary to develop a new approach to finding and keeping the love that you desire to have in your life. Therapy can help. Call or email me for a free consultation.

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What clients are saying

Katey is straight forward and extremely easy to open up to. She always has wise and practical input. She helped me to navigate a difficult situation and I'm so grateful.

We felt pretty hopeless in our marriage and decided to give it one last shot in therapy, and I'm so glad that our friend suggested that we work with Katey. It wasn't easy to repair the years of hurt, but we learned new ways to deal with our conflicts and to really talk to each other. We're happier now and closer than ever before.

Katey was and has been a pleasure to work with. Working with her individually I learned about myself and grew post divorce. It was a low in my life that was hard to navigate but thankfully I gained tools and coping mechanisms through working with Katey. Katey then helped me navigate life with my wife. If you’re willing to work whether individually or as a couple I highly recommend Katey’s services.

I came to Katey during a time of significant personal loss while also managing career challenges. Her unique background as both a former executive and therapist gave her valuable insight into workplace dynamics alongside personal and family relationships. What sets Katey apart is her ability to validate your experiences while helping you gain perspective on your emotions and patterns of thinking. She helped me work through multiple complex situations simultaneously, leading me back to a more positive outlook. Her approach combines genuine empathy with practical guidance, making her especially effective for professionals navigating both personal and work-life challenges.

I felt that group therapy with Katey offered a safe place to talk about my experiences in unhealthy relationships. I felt supported and encouraged to make changes in my life.

Our adult kids were making blending our families impossible. We were worried that they'd never get along, and that they'd ruin all that was good between the two of us. Katey met with all of us together and helped us to set some reasonable expectations with the kids, while prioritizing our new marriage. Now family get togethers aren't as stressful, and our relationship has never been better!

Therapy with Katey has made the most positive difference in my life. I'm so grateful for her words of wisdom and the skills I learned through counseling. The level of care that she provided during my most difficult time was far and above what I expected from any therapist.

I never thought that trust could be restored after the affair, but Katey taught us a new love language called IMAGO, and it really works!

My ex and I were struggling to co-parent after our divorce. Katey helped me to set aside the guilt and shame I had about making our kids' lives more difficult, and to focus on the next chapter. I know now that the kids will be OK, and so will I.

Katey is straight forward and extremely easy to open up to. She always has wise and practical input. She helped me to navigate a difficult situation and I'm so grateful.

I felt that group therapy with Katey offered a safe place to talk about my experiences in unhealthy relationships. I felt supported and encouraged to make changes in my life.

I never thought that trust could be restored after the affair, but Katey taught us a new love language called IMAGO, and it really works!

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