Am I Too OLD to Get Divorced?

Maybe. It’s a tricky question, for which there is no answer that’s right or wrong. It really depends on one’s perspective, their relational and financial goals, as well as on their core values. So, let’s dig in…

The Reality of Long-Term Marriages

The truth is that there is never a good time for divorce, as the end of a long relationship is typically messy, complicated and it can have a significant impact on the future well-being of both parties, as well as on other family members. Typically, what I often encounter in my therapy practice are couples that have been together for many years - decades even, and are now either managing teenagers, or they’ve become empty nesters with grown children. They’re often feeling that they now have little in common, and have forgotten how to have interesting conversation, satisfying connection, good sex and in general, just plain fun with their spouse…or maybe they never had those things in all the years they were together. You wonder how that’s possible, but there are many couples that married for all sorts of reasons, but not because they were deeply in love, or wanted the same things in marriage or in life. It gets existential as people age.

The Importance of Open Communication

Making a good decision about maintaining a marriage, or parting ways later in life, requires thoughtful conversation, where each partner can express their wants and needs for the stage of life that they’re in, and for their future. Most married couples spend their days separated from their spouse as they pursue independent careers and personal interests, while taking on different roles raising their families. Somewhere along the way toward middle age, they may have lost sight of sharing fun activities, laughter, and new adventures with each other. They may have also let go of their sense of touch and desire for intimacy as their bodies have changed along with their needs. A good night’s sleep apart may have become prioritized over pleasurable touch and closeness. It may seem like a monumental task to try to revive a dull marriage with a partner that just doesn’t seem interested.

Three Clear Options for Unhappy Couples

If this is sounding at all familiar, then it’s time to get real about your circumstances! You have options – all of which require doing some research and seeking the guidance of professionals that know how to help. When working with couples that are very unhappy with each other but are unsure of what to do, I remind them that they have three real paths to consider:

1. Do nothing and stay in the chaos of their current situation.
2. Divorce.
3. Save the marriage by working on it together and with intention.

None of these options are easy. To do nothing means that your relationship will not improve, and you’ll likely both continue to be unhappy – for years to come. You only walk this earth once, and you both desire good things in life, for which a solid relationship is foundational to happiness for most people.

Understanding the Divorce Path

Divorce can be catastrophic, leaving a wake or torment – or it can be done well, with respect and kindness for each other. Good divorces, like good marriages, require communication, compromise, and conflict resolution. You’ll need to figure out your financials and your legal obligations before proceeding down that path, and a good attorney as well as a respected financial planner would be appropriate to consult, if you’re serious about divorce. It’s no walk in the park, and there’s certainly no guarantee that you’ll find a better partner once your divorce is finalized. I encourage clients to manage their expectations around divorce, as the grass isn’t likely greener on the other side of the fence. The failure rate worsens with each divorce: 50% of first marriages, 64% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages fail - some more miserably than others.

The Marriage Revival Option

Working on your marriage IS possible and CAN result in a renewed partnership that integrates new ways to relate and to enjoy each other’s company. It might feel daunting to contemplate, but with time and mutual effort, you can learn new ways to communicate and resolve conflict while rediscovering your shared interests, your physical connection, and a new vision for your relationship.

The reality is that all couples should engage in marriage counseling at some point – the earlier the better – but therapy doesn’t need to go on indefinitely. Usually, couples experience a great deal of relief after just a few sessions. There is hope, and a path to getting the love that you really want, but it won’t happen without making the call to a therapist trained to do this type of work, and without effort on the part of both parties. If you find yourself married to a person that refuses to engage in conversation about this, then you’ll need some help in discerning if your relationship is sustainable. Don’t wait to do your own work on this. Life is just too short to remain in a miserable marriage.